Trail Confessions: Section Hiking Changed Me

I have heard it over and over again, how section hiking or long distance multi day backpacking trips have changed people. I always thought that would never happen to me. I love being outdoors and any form of outdoors will always be amazing to me! And I would always relish in the feeling that I get in the great outdoors. That freedom, that elation, that sense of wonder, the fresh air, the exhilaration that I have always felt being one with nature.

The trip was spectacular, I could not have asked for better company. Everything was nearly perfect. My section hike was exactly as I thought it would be, better even. I had been so worried and anxious about the trip, but I was very proud of myself for being able to accomplish this goal, this dream of a section hike on the PCT, bucket list check.

After I came off of my PCT section hike this summer in late July, I was on a serious natural high. The feeling was amazing, for weeks I was able to replay the trip. Whenever I started to loose that feeling, I would look at the photos, read the blogs and regain that natural high.

I went on various quick over night backpacking trips and day trips, but never felt the satisfaction, that natural high, that I felt during and after 4 days and 3 nights, off the grid in the woods of Oregon with great company and breathtaking views, relying on only myself and my trail companions. Those quick trips were incredible and the company was great, but that feeling, the intensity of days on the trail, pushing my limits and boundaries, was not there. It was like a deep pull on the soul. The need to have another day, more miles, instead of packing up and going home. It just wasn’t the same any longer. While I still enjoyed myself and loved being outside under the stars, around the camp fire, the laughs and the stories, there was something deep down that was missing. A hole that would be briefly repaired, only to be pulled apart again. A patch, a resolve, a tourniquet that would never quite adhere to the wound or cover it completely. Something would always ooze out, leaving a feeling of desolation in the far reaches of my soul.

I found myself “trail day dreaming” looking at photos, videos and blogs of others who had been thru-hiking. I started to plan the next section I would do and thinking that, the new plan would help ease the longing I felt to be back on the trail, section hiking. Planning a goal to reach each day and each day accomplishing that goal and getting up the next day and repeating accomplishing a new goal. But I think it made the symptoms of not being on the trail worse.

I do not have a miserable day job. I love my work and look forward to going everyday. So it wasn’t like I felt trapped in a mundane daily routine. I am busy every weekend doing one activity or another. So I am not stuck at home on the couch or doing everyday weekend chores. I am out climbing rocks, backpacking overnighters, day hiking, desert camping with my other half and our off road sand dune vehicles. So I am busy busy busy. But still I felt unfulfilled.

I recently had a “beginner backpack training” trip that I have done for the last couple of years, I always look forward to it and had been planning it for months. But I would honestly find myself looking at the list of participants and feel cumbersome.  Leading up to trips I would feel like dragging my feet through the mud, it was a draining feeling instead of elation. I wanted desperately to be planning for another section or long distance hike with my trail brothers. I felt dread. As soon as I was out there I would feel great, but something was still missing. That feeling that I used to get on every other hiking, backpacking, car camping trip seemed like it fell flat. Almost depressing. Daunting and dismal.

The “beginner backpack” trip turned out great, with trail brother Jupiter along as well as another good friend Alien Ann, it put some good perspective on things I had been missing and the camaraderie that I really wanted, lack of drama and feeling able to just be in the company of others without negative connotations or even having to speak at all, but just listen, listen to the sounds of nature surrounding me. I was able to use that time to really reflect on what it was that seemed out of place, unbalanced.

It had come to the point where I was even withdrawing from friends that I truly enjoyed spending time with. I thought I had become cranky and impatient. I just really missed the quiet peacefulness of being on the trail away from civilization and the solitude that came with it., but I longed to be a part of the groups of friends heading out on one adventure or another. I, however, felt I would bring people down with my own cantankerous ornery attitude. It was not them, it was me. I wanted to be with the laughing humorous people that I so earnestly enjoyed prior to my section hike, but I also wanted the solitude. It was a jarring turbulence of emotions battling inside my inner self. Out of balance.

As I thought more and more about how to adapt to this new train of thought, this new instability. I came to a few conclusions:

• I now unquestionably realize that I care who I surround myself with. I want persons around me who will be supportive, legitimately and honestly there when needed. I don’t want to be around those who will falsely state they are there and will be uplifting and supportive, but proven again and again to be the opposition of a supportive person. Relying fully on my own capabilities and the supports of my two trail brothers, Jupiter and Magic Man, indisputably had shown me what the standards are of the persons I should be calling friends. I should expect no less when traveling on trails or through life. Those two were incredible, I always considered them friends, I now call them family.

• Where I thought myself to be fragile and insubstantial on the trail, I, in fact, found the opposite. I found a strength and fortitude that I did not realize was inside the whole time. The self doubt I frequently threw myself into was nonexistent on the trail. When in the elements of actually being on the trail, I propelled passed what I thought I could do. Now in life, I find myself wanting even more to continue to challenge what I think I am capable of. Looking at the easier hikes and easier situations, I am no longer satisfied. While the groups that I previously had so much enjoyment out of are still laughing and meandering along those same easy going trails, I am finding myself wanting to laugh along more challenging trails. On Saturday I did a scrambling hike with trail brother Jupiter and my great friend Amanda, and I was pushed out of my comfort zone, I once again had that feeling of a natural high, a sense of accomplishing something that would push me out of my comfort zone. Proving my thought that I just needed to be challenged. This may require me to find some new trails and new groups of people. I will still enjoy the company of my easier going hiking groups, but I personally feel the need to challenge myself. So in search of new challenges, I must also start over in finding those who will not only help me challenge myself but also be supportive. This will also take me out of my trusting people comfort zone. I can only hope there will be new laughter along the new path into the unknown.

I can never go back to the person I was prior to my section hike. In a world where I was meandering along, head in the clouds, and not caring about who I was aligning myself with. I realize while I am strong enough to stand on my own or travel my paths on my own, I also must let go of my resistance and learn to trust in others that genuinely want to assist me in meeting life’s challenges. I will need to trust in myself to step out of my comfort zone and make the steps to challenge myself to go beyond what I thought I could do. I must learn patience and focus, that even though I am no longer on the trail, I will be there again. I must remember to find joy and happiness in the smaller things. Every day can be a wondrous experience. I must remind myself that if I forget how important the little things are, the elation I receive from the exceptional experiences will be minimized and those too will no longer be exceptional.

I am reminded to take life day to day and when I start to feel anxious, I must just….

Out of my comfort zone, I found that natural high again. along with the laughter…